Not That Scared

It was strange, because recently I did my last (ever) performance with the theatre company that I had been a part of for some years. I suppose it was a bit of an 'end of an era', but I don't really feel that yet - perhaps I will realise it more retrospectively. However, whilst this is all fine and interesting is not what I wanted to write about.

Whilst I was waiting to go on stage I remember feeling fairly relaxed, which is strange for me, because usually I feel absolutely awful before standing up in front of people (but yes, I kept doing it, so clearly it can't have been that bad - you could be thinking that, and you would probably be right). But I found myself (of all things) this time worrying about my lack of nervousness about going on stage - I kept thinking that if I wasn't nervous enough, then I was being arrogant in thinking I could do it, and then surely it would go wrong.

So just before I go onstage, I feel a bit flushed, my hands are a bit clammy, my heart is beating a little faster - yes I can feel the nerves - but I am excited. I don't want to run away from the stage and go home and read. And I suddenly realise that I am not that scared because I think, well if this goes wrong, I will never perform here again - so what does it really matter? Enjoy it.

And I did. I really did try to drag out the last line of my piece, savouring that last moment. The rest is history.

But it just made me smile to myself that, after all the years of being scared about performing, by my last performance something has definitely changed, and ironically, I sort of want to go back and do all the acting again, just minus the horrible nerves. Funny how things change - for me now that I am not going be doing any performing until at least September, I cannot wait to perform again.